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Technically Bisexual?? What on earth does THAT mean??
Wondering what it means to be “technically bisexual”? Is that like saying I’m technically lesbian (or technically straight) because the people I have dated most recently have been women (or men)? I think we are who we are. My being bisexual is no more a choice than your “choice” to be heterosexual, lesbian, or gay. Dating a woman doesn’t make me lesbian and dating a man doesn’t make me straight. I am bisexual even if I am in a committed long-term (or life-long) relationship with either a woman or a man. I may APPEAR to be oriented to one gender or the other but that is just appearance.
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Confluence
I love rivers and streams, babbling brooks and waterfalls. I love listening to the sound of the waterways as they intertwine and merge. I imagine where each drop of this moving-churning-blending body of water came from: Perhaps some came from Egypt, others from Tunisia, still others from China, North Korea, The Congo, Israel, or Mexico. Sometimes I even imagine that these drops were not so long ago the moist evaporations from the brow of people there, people like me but with a different life, struggle, beauty, pain. This water we are all drinking (in one form or another) is a confluence of moisture from everywhere, from everything and everyone. When we drink we are drinking the world.
My spiritual teacher, Sant Darshan Singh Ji Maharaj, while speaking to my dear friend and former spouse, spoke about the currents and undercurrents that run throughout the waters of the earth. he spoke about how, while they come from various climates, various parts of the world, they are more similar than they are different. Likewise, he said, there are currents and undercurrents of humanity. While we have different ways of worshipping, different ways of celebrating, and different ways of expressing, we are more similar to one another than we are different. He elaborated about how many of the differences in religious practice or expression originated from a combination of regional, cultural, geographic and climactic variations… but in spite of these differences, the intent was the same. So why are we so divided? Why do we continue to focus on what makes us different when what we really need is to understand each other… to understand. When we truley understand another’s pain, another’s struggle, another’s joy and another’s passion, we are sitting in the confluence… that confluence is where we truly become one humanity… where the “M” in “me” becomes the “W” in “we”.
I have often found myself observing. Observing others in the world, in my community and within my circles of friends and family. I have often found myself imagining myself in their shoes, in their struggle, or in their joy. But even in my imaginings, I could never fully appreciate what made their life experiences so different from mine… but I struggled in my imaginings to contemplate these differences nonetheless. While I could not see that to which I was (and am) blind, in the process of imagining their lives, their struggles, their joy, I always discovered the very core of my self in them. I knew instinctively that at the very core, we are ONE and we are connected.
The struggle of our time is the struggle for human rights, the struggle for ALL of us. The struggle today is for freedom. Freedom from tyranny, oppression, bigotry and hate…. Just say NO to H8! However most of the time what I hear is “me me me me me”. Give me my rights, my freedom, it is MY life. When I attended the Immigration Rights march this past weekend, I did notice that, visually at least, the vast majority of people there were those who would be directly impacted by the recent immigration legislation. While I march in the Utah Pride parade, in the Utah Transgender March, and participate in other “rights” gatherings, what I find again is that most of us seem to be passionate about our own rights. Gay, Inc for example, seems to be almost exclusively fighting for the rights of white gays and lesbians. I say this because of the conspicuous absence of discussion about the struggles of the “B” and the “T” not to mention there is the conspicuous absence of discussion of the struggles of those who don’t experience white privilege. Am I seeing this correctly or are we that myopic and narrowly focussed? Is this because we just can’t see another’s struggle? Or is it that we don’t want to complicate our “human rights” battle with the silly details involving color, ethnicity, gender-variation, and non-binary sexual orientations?
To me it is sad to see that we as humanity, who drink the water which came from the foreheads of ALL, are focussed so narrowly on our own lives and our own struggle. What if we could change that? What if we could come together, seek to understand one another? What if we could create a confluence of humanity, where each of us is concerned for the others? For me, the answer is simple: Change the me into the we. Instead of focusing on my own struggle, pain, suffering, and drawing up my own list of complaints, I can broaden my scope, my horizon, and (like turning that frown upside-down) I can slowly turn that M into a W and focus on the We instead of just Me.
My talk which I gave at South Valley Unitarian Church on 8/2/2009 (Much was extemporaneous but some was read from this text).
Hello! My name is Joni Weiss. I want to thank Deb for inviting me to share a little about my journey with you today.
I was born and raised here in Salt Lake. I am a middle child with my older brother, younger sister, and younger brother from my mother’s second marriage. I also have another sister in Oregon from my father’s second marriage.
I grew up in diversity. We went to Our Lady Of Guadalupe Catholic Church. My mother had us marching on the capitol in the ’60′s with other activists like Archie Archuleta and others. We were on TV (I remember the cameras on us as we were marching). These were my role models and made an indelible impression on me. I owe my own sense of activism to my mother and her friends.
I graduated from Judge Memorial High School more than a few years ago… in 1974.
That same year I stumbled upon the spiritual path that I continue to embrace today: A path of meditation on the inner divine light and sound of God, generally referred to as Sant Mat or the Teachings of the Saints. Through meditation under the guidance of my spiritual teachers, I learned through first-hand inner divine experience that I truly am a “spiritual being having a human experience.”
Some where in there I got married and moved away for 20 years before moving back 4 years ago. We never had children – and we divorced 2 years ago.
I have always believed in the values taught by my spiritual teachers: The values of non-violence, honesty, humility and so forth. However for most of my life I carried a secret so well that not a single soul knew until I came out 2-½ years ago.
I am transgender. I was born and raised, socialized as a male. Since about the age of 5 (if not before) I have identified as female internally. Over the course of my childhood and youth this has caused major internal conflicts regarding my identity, self worth, and self-acceptance. Keeping this a secret was a matter of survival for me. I did everything I could to “fix” myself. I prayed constantly for this to go away. I thought that leading a spiritual life would fix me. When that didn’t fix me I tried marriage. After my mother passed away in 2000, my gender issues began to take on a sense of urgency I had never felt before. I was in a state of constant anxiety about them. Yet I still could not bring myself to come out for a few more years. Despair and hopelessness began to set in and I was depressed.
In 1994 I stumbled upon web pages with stories authored by transwomen around the country and some from India and other countries. I was surprised to find that their stories were so much like mine. I never identified with the media stereotypes of transgender people that I was familiar with from shows like Jerry Springer and the occasional story about a “woman born in a man’s body” which was usually a joke in a movie.
In 1995 we moved back to Salt Lake to live closer to both of our families. As time went on I realized I needed to come out… to let people know… especially my wife. However I knew that once I let anything slip that my house of cards would fall. I just couldn’t muster up the courage. There were several times when I nearly did but I was too scared to go through with it.
Imagine taking everything about you and your life and putting it all on the table and walking away. Imaging putting all of your relationships, your parents, children siblings, friends, everyone you know and everyone you love on that table. Imagine putting everything you own on the table. Imagine your career, job, your life history. Everything about you is on the table. Now turn around and walk away knowing you can never ever look back. That is what coming out is like, most especially for transgender people.
I read a book by Jennifer Boylen called “She’s Not There”. It was this book that made me realize that life would continue and could actually be a positive thing. At the same time I discovered that my employer had a policy of assisting in the coming out and transition process. I could stay employed! I now knew I would not be out on the streets (as so many of us are) but would be able to survive.
I came out to my then wife of 22 years in March 2007, I knew in my heart that it was very likely that the world as I knew it was about to end. The fear I felt was as if I had just leapt off of a very very tall cliff and was about to crash & burn. I have very bad vertigo.
Has anyone here been to Zion’s park? To a place there called Angels Landing? There is this place high up on that trail, where the path leads out across a very thin bridge over to the landing. It is so thin that they painted footprints on the narrow trail… and have chains along both side just in case. On either side of the bridge it goes straight down for 2000 feet to the road below. I have very bad vertigo but I did make it across that bridge. For me, the process of coming out was very much like the thought of going on that hike KNOWING that I was not coming back… knowing that I would be jumping and I did not know where I would land or if I would even survive.
Our marriage had fallen apart over the previous few years. This was just too much for her to bear. Karin realized that she would be seen as a lesbian which was just too much for her. In the end we decided we wanted to remain friends but knew we would only remain so if we divorced. Although this is a difficult struggle for both of us, we are working on our friendship one day at a time.
On the plus side, I am deeply grateful that my father and the rest of my family and in-laws, nieces and nephews have all accepted me as I am. In fact, most of these relations have been deepened as I have become more authentically my true self. Yes: They have had to work through the grief of losing that male persona but have all done so while also being supportive of me in my journey.
My entire family accepts me for who I am, and although they struggle with losing their brother, they are supportive and have adjusted and accepted the reality that this is important to being who I really am. My employer is very accepting and protective of transgender employees (who knew? Not me). My spiritual teacher was unflinching in his unconditional love for me. He said I was welcome there however I feel comfortable. – no issue!
Since I have been coming out to more and more people (friends, etc) I have gained a tremendous amount of self-worth and self-esteem. I can do things I never before thought possible. I always dreamed of playing in bands.
I had played drums through High School (by myself in my room) but got rid of them in my 20’s. About 4 years ago I bought another drumset and met some musicians and we formed a band. My second band fired me when I transitioned (they wanted a guy band I guess). I just joined my 3rd band, which is very exciting for me (woo hoo!).
I am now happier with my life than ever before. Living authentically as myself has allowed me to be who I am… to be real. I have much more confidence in myself and have a much greater sense of self worth.
My mother and my spiritual teachers taught me the importance of service. They have taught me to stand up for others. I owe a deep debt of gratitude to God, my Spiritual Teachers, my mother and all of my many teachers and role models throughout my life. Their examples have taught me how to be a true human being.
I will end with a short, simple poem I wrote which speaks to many of the lessons I have been learning over these last few years:
Be who you are – authentically!
Love yourself – dearly!
Be good to your self – truly!
Be your own very best friend.
Embrace yourself,
Embrace life – your life!
Be wholly who you are.
You are love itself.
Be THAT love!! ☺
Thank you 
Disclosure
I’m having a very difficult time tonight. To be honest, for much of the last two days.
First, my sister insists that I “need” facial surgery in order to look like a woman. She says it is obvious to everyone but they just don’t want to say it to my face. I guess she spoke with everyone I have met in the last couple of years and recorded their feedback. I don’t know why did can’t just accept that I do indeed pass well… or agree that it shouldn’t really matter either. I mean, I can’t even afford anything right now, much less surgery. I can barely pay my bills. But I digress.
I also had the realization today that I need to disclose on my dating-site profiles that I am in fact a trans woman, specifically post op. And to try to get past popular ill-conceived notions about what that means I had to disclose VERY personal details about my genitalia. WHY??????? So that the women and men who read my profile can possibly get past their fucking trans-phobia and give me a fucking break.
So WHY is it that I have to disclose details about my surgery, about my genitalia to complete strangers? By the same token should they not have to disclose something THAT personal????? How avout current STD status? Huh? Don’t you think THAT may be important to know before you make a cannonball dive into bed with someone you barely know?
I do understand it to some extent but for me it is dignity lost. Nobody seems to think THAT’s important. Whatever.
Anyway I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Welcome to my Journey
Hi! I just created this blog on 6/19/2009 (late in the evening!). I have always wanted a place of my own to post my thoughts, write down my stories, share recipes, music and other things of interest to me. I also have wanted for a long time to start writing down stories from my life. My journey has been a very unusual one so far. I think there are stories to be shared.
Of late I have been reflecting on the past 2-1/2 years since I first came out as transgender and the years preceding those… and in fact have been reflecting back on my life. I am now at a point in my life where I can live freely as I am, without facade, completely authentic. I feel empowered as I have never been before. I have personal power that I have never felt before. I am grateful to God for granting me this freedom to be openly and honestly who I am, without fear or judgement, without shame or guilt (for what?). I am now aware that I was created this way, that I was meant to be who I am today, and that none of this is any kind of cosmic mistake or punishment. I am equal to all human beings. I take my place at the table of equality. We are all equal, the time has come for the world (the “all of us”) to realize this truth.
In just over one week it will have been 40 years since the Stonewall rebellion. We are fighting for our rightful place at the table of equality. WE know that we are equal. WE know there is nothing “less” about us. We know that someday soon we WILL overcome the tyrrany of bigotry. We are here at the threshold. We have been here knocking at the door for 40 years. We are not waiting 40 more years. Not even 4 years. Equality in all matters governed by civil law in all 50 states will be ours soon.
But while we are this close, there is still much to do. Even with Civil Equality, we still need to educate. There still are not very many who really understand much about what it is to be transgender, what causes it, and what treatments work and what doesn’t work. The science is there now. Unfortunately the misinformation is so widespread that a lot of work remains to educate people ahout the facts. People need to know that this isn’t just some made up thing that one day we woke up and “chose” to be Transgender or Lesbian or Gay etc. People need to know that there was never a choice for us, except the choice of when to come out of the closet. The only choice we have ever had is whether to allow ourselves to die at the hands of shame, guilt, socialised ostricization, self-loathing, fear, harassment, bullying, violence, murder or suicide — or to choose life… to choose to come out and live, and to accept ourselves for who we truley are.