I was born and raised here in Salt Lake. I am a middle child with my older brother, younger sister, and younger brother from my mother’s second marriage. I also have another sister in Oregon from my father’s second marriage.
I grew up in diversity. We went to Our Lady Of Guadalupe Catholic Church. My mother had us marching on the capitol in the ’60′s with other activists like Archie Archuleta and others. We were on TV (I remember the cameras on us as we were marching). These were my role models and made an indelible impression on me. I owe my own sense of activism to my mother and her friends.
I graduated from Judge Memorial High School more than a few years ago… in 1974.
That same year I stumbled upon the spiritual path that I continue to embrace today: A path of meditation on the inner divine light and sound of God, generally referred to as Sant Mat or the Teachings of the Saints. Through meditation under the guidance of my spiritual teachers, I learned through first-hand inner divine experience that I truly am a “spiritual being having a human experience.”
Some where in there I got married and moved away for 20 years before moving back 4 years ago. We never had children – and we divorced 2 years ago.
I have always believed in the values taught by my spiritual teachers: The values of non-violence, honesty, humility and so forth. However for most of my life I carried a secret so well that not a single soul knew until I came out 2-½ years ago.
I am transgender. I was born and raised, socialized as a male. Since about the age of 5 (if not before) I have identified as female internally. Over the course of my childhood and youth this has caused major internal conflicts regarding my identity, self worth, and self-acceptance. Keeping this a secret was a matter of survival for me. I did everything I could to “fix” myself. I prayed constantly for this to go away. I thought that leading a spiritual life would fix me. When that didn’t fix me I tried marriage. After my mother passed away in 2000, my gender issues began to take on a sense of urgency I had never felt before. I was in a state of constant anxiety about them. Yet I still could not bring myself to come out for a few more years. Despair and hopelessness began to set in and I was depressed.
In 1994 I stumbled upon web pages with stories authored by transwomen around the country and some from India and other countries. I was surprised to find that their stories were so much like mine. I never identified with the media stereotypes of transgender people that I was familiar with from shows like Jerry Springer and the occasional story about a “woman born in a man’s body” which was usually a joke in a movie.
In 1995 we moved back to Salt Lake to live closer to both of our families. As time went on I realized I needed to come out… to let people know… especially my wife. However I knew that once I let anything slip that my house of cards would fall. I just couldn’t muster up the courage. There were several times when I nearly did but I was too scared to go through with it.
Imagine taking everything about you and your life and putting it all on the table and walking away. Imaging putting all of your relationships, your parents, children siblings, friends, everyone you know and everyone you love on that table. Imagine putting everything you own on the table. Imagine your career, job, your life history. Everything about you is on the table. Now turn around and walk away knowing you can never ever look back. That is what coming out is like, most especially for transgender people.
I read a book by Jennifer Boylen called “She’s Not There”. It was this book that made me realize that life would continue and could actually be a positive thing. At the same time I discovered that my employer had a policy of assisting in the coming out and transition process. I could stay employed! I now knew I would not be out on the streets (as so many of us are) but would be able to survive.
I came out to my then wife of 22 years in March 2007, I knew in my heart that it was very likely that the world as I knew it was about to end. The fear I felt was as if I had just leapt off of a very very tall cliff and was about to crash & burn. I have very bad vertigo.
Has anyone here been to Zion’s park? To a place there called Angels Landing? There is this place high up on that trail, where the path leads out across a very thin bridge over to the landing. It is so thin that they painted footprints on the narrow trail… and have chains along both side just in case. On either side of the bridge it goes straight down for 2000 feet to the road below. I have very bad vertigo but I did make it across that bridge. For me, the process of coming out was very much like the thought of going on that hike KNOWING that I was not coming back… knowing that I would be jumping and I did not know where I would land or if I would even survive.
Our marriage had fallen apart over the previous few years. This was just too much for her to bear. Karin realized that she would be seen as a lesbian which was just too much for her. In the end we decided we wanted to remain friends but knew we would only remain so if we divorced. Although this is a difficult struggle for both of us, we are working on our friendship one day at a time.
On the plus side, I am deeply grateful that my father and the rest of my family and in-laws, nieces and nephews have all accepted me as I am. In fact, most of these relations have been deepened as I have become more authentically my true self. Yes: They have had to work through the grief of losing that male persona but have all done so while also being supportive of me in my journey.
My entire family accepts me for who I am, and although they struggle with losing their brother, they are supportive and have adjusted and accepted the reality that this is important to being who I really am. My employer is very accepting and protective of transgender employees (who knew? Not me). My spiritual teacher was unflinching in his unconditional love for me. He said I was welcome there however I feel comfortable. – no issue!
Since I have been coming out to more and more people (friends, etc) I have gained a tremendous amount of self-worth and self-esteem. I can do things I never before thought possible. I always dreamed of playing in bands.
I had played drums through High School (by myself in my room) but got rid of them in my 20’s. About 4 years ago I bought another drumset and met some musicians and we formed a band. My second band fired me when I transitioned (they wanted a guy band I guess). I just joined my 3rd band, which is very exciting for me (woo hoo!).
I am now happier with my life than ever before. Living authentically as myself has allowed me to be who I am… to be real. I have much more confidence in myself and have a much greater sense of self worth.
My mother and my spiritual teachers taught me the importance of service. They have taught me to stand up for others. I owe a deep debt of gratitude to God, my Spiritual Teachers, my mother and all of my many teachers and role models throughout my life. Their examples have taught me how to be a true human being.
I will end with a short, simple poem I wrote which speaks to many of the lessons I have been learning over these last few years:
Be who you are – authentically!
Love yourself – dearly!
Be good to your self – truly!
Be your own very best friend.
Embrace yourself,
Embrace life – your life!
Be wholly who you are.
You are love itself.
Be THAT love!! ☺
Thank you 